clouds in my coffee…

I think its funny that I get up much much earlier on the weekends than I do on the weekdays. Saturdays: Running. Sundays: work. Then again, starting Tuesday, I’ll be up at 6 for Internship. Thats just going to be brutal. I’m not looking forward to that part!!

I woke up sore from yesterday’s (accidental) 5.5 miler. I still swear I was gonna do 4!!! But, I’m glad I pushed myself- I’m just going to be THAT much better prepared for the October 12th race I’m doing of 6 miles.And Most of the run felt good, too! I think I’m learning what that “runner’s high” is! Instead of running being hard & miserable, its hard & fun! Initially, I was SO scared of it. I was so terrified of something about the distances, keeping up, finishing “last,” making “time” that I wasn’t having as much fun. But since I’ve been hurt & better, I’m not wearing my watch, I’m walking when I want, and hell, I’m having so much more fun! I’m still a lil intimidated by things over 8 miles…..

((i should be dressed for work, out the door in 9 minutes, but I’m sitting here in pajamas!))

Tonight’s sunday family dinner! I’m cookin =) Thai’s up on the menu tonight! http://www.hungryyogini.com/recipes/spicy-peanut-noodle-bowls-with-tofu-and-broccoli/ (I can’t make it say her name, just her link!)

School’s started with a bang, and is well underway. Oh my! So much to do already, I’m already in ovah my head. But that’s okay.. It will all be awesome…..

But, for now, work calls.

gratitude….

I can’t even place words for how much gratitude I have at the moment.

I just had such a fun night with my friends, and we’re going to make sundays our “dinner nights” so that we can be sure to have time set aside for no homework and just fun during the year. we know we get way hectic fast, and carving out a spot helps. Last year, it was wednesdays after class. We’re going to cook for each other, and drink wine and chat, and its gonna be amazing. I think I’m hosting next week =) I just need to plan an awesome menu. It’s def gonna be great as the fall & winter set in so we can avoid that bluesy slump. I gotta be better about the dairy though, my stomach is all sorts of mad at me currently.

I had emailed L, my absolutely fabulous amazing nutritionist earlier in the week about something, and then twice in the span of 24 hours yesterday. She, being the amazing caring compassionate person she is, offered me a phone session tomorrow even though its a holiday. I wish i could explain how much it means to me that she did that. I know she has her own life, a husband and a long weekend… and could have easily told me I had to wait until Tuesday or our appointed slot on thursday. The fact that she didn’t, replied within a few hours, and did so with the most reassuring of words made me feel so much better.

No lies, its been a rough weekend, eating wise. I’m hoping she can kick my ass back into gear tomorrow. I need to start the school year off strong. I have a jam packed calendar and no time allotted for mistakes. I know I won’t be able to accomplish everything I want if I have to also deal with this.

mmm Saturday…

“It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.                                                                                                                                                            I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.”
-From The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer“

It’s sooooo early (to me!) I know so many people get up at like 5am to go running, and to start their days, but for me, anything before 10 is pushing it! I’ve always been such a night person! I can stay up till 2 or 3, and even 4 without blinking…. I need to start switching that up though- with this semester coming up, I won’t make it if I can’t jump out of bed and start my day early!

I’m going running with a friend from school in like 20 minutes! (I should soooo be getting ready). Despite HATING mornings with a passion, I’m excited for this. I haven’t seen her since last semester, and I convinced her via facebook to run the tufts 10k with me in October. We’re headed to Fresh Pond to run/walk 3 or so miles. I’m excited to see her, I’m excited to get outside and run, and I’m grateful for the company when I don’t have my Team In Training Saturday run. I’ve gotten so used to having it, and its something I really look forward to.My legs are super duper sore from this week, and Thursday’s yoga class, so I’m hoping that this will loosen me right up.

I started (sorta) my weekend schedule at work for the fall. I’m going to be getting 6 hours, max sleep on Saturday nights, and I know I don’t get much on Fridays- though I’m hoping that can change- especially as I start getting ready for longer runs! I’m notorious for not sleeping very much, and my big huge goal for this month (starting Monday!) is to get 7-8 hours of sleep a night, and start doing 20 minutes of yoga in the morning. Lets see how that goes…!!

off to run!

..how to save a life….

life is way too short.

I’ve seen so much since I started working at the hospital. In five short months I’ve seen several emergency room visits, many stitches, a few tantrums, a lot of tears, a lot of sadness, anger, trauma. But I had never thought about death. I know that the statistics are against out patients, that ten percent of people with this diagnosis will commit suicide. I’ve seen the attemps first hand at work. But I’m still an optimist. We got word yesterday that one of our patients had ended her life two weeks ago. Such a reality check. I guess there’s nothing that can ever fully prepare you for death. Out of all the patients I’ve seen since I started, this is one of the few who I wasn’t really close with. But, I know she kept in touch with some of the girls I was, and I can only imagine how her death is affecting them. I read the notice her parents put in their paper, and my heart goes out to them. I can’t imagine how they feel right now, how they’re coping, surviving in the face of this.

Yesterday after I found out, I drove to chill with friends before I had to go back to lead groups. Two good friends, and a lil puppy love later, I was feeling much better. In the face of this, I think the best thing I can do is live life. We didn’t talk about it, but we lay on her bed and just laughed about what we could, talked about random stuff, and cuddled with her dog.

Today I’m continuing my trend of me time, because while i’m feeling better, I’m still feeling a little quiet. I cleaned a lot today, which makes me feel ready for school, and I’m about to head out for a run, and then a yoga class. I know that some tension is in my shoulders, and I think I’ll feel a lot better once I move through it.

life’s way too short. Tell someone you love them, and remember what you’re grateful for.

just keep swimming

….or in my case running!

I’ll admit. Running is hard! Running is hard physically & emotionally.

I was born with some chronic leg problems that weren’t discovered until I was 18, in college and got hurt dancing. This shattered my world as I knew it, and I spent the following four, almost five years trying to get it diagnosed, understood and ultimately, fixed. The doctors had me in crutches, boot casts, air casts, millions of braces that had laces, velcro or some combination, ace bandages, ben gay, icey-hot, & bio freeze, not to mention HOURS of excruciating physical therapy. Nothing at all worked. There were procedures done to see what my veins looked like, needles stuck into me at odd angles in multiples of 8, and while we found a diagnosis, all doctors refused to operated on me, due to the severity of the nerve damage.

Add that to a stubborn adolescent who dreams of nothing but dance & an active life. Makes for a pretty unfun situation. I was told, during this, that not only could I not dance *which I did, daily, anyways* but that I’d never be able to run. Of course this girl now had a mission: mission run.

When I started running, I was ESTATIC. It signified so much to me, and I know that crossing the finish line of a half marathon would actually be a medical miracle. Not to mention, I’m not a runner, so it would signify some awesomeness for that, too. Of course, 6 weeks in, I get hurt. No, it had nothing to do with this pesky leg stuff, but due to over compensation, my calves were effected too. Spooked me, and while I struggled to get back, I had fears of not being able to do it. My parent’s/doctor’s/friend’s/physical therapists’ words were in my head, and I was innundated with thoughts of inadequacy. Combine that with over-worried friends, and friends who mean well, but don’t know my history and blame the injury on eating disorder stuff… and I was pretty down. in a big way. I blocked it allll out, and shut down on the run front.

However, I know if I shut this down now, I won’t start again. Ever. I’ll add this to the list of failed dreams, be forever sad when my friends talk about running (read: jealous & resentful), and generally be a mess for a while. So I decided, I can either live with the fear and keep functioning, or let fear take over. If I let fear take over, i lose MY dream. So, fuck everyone else! I emailed (hounded) my coaches until they emailed back. Got them to switch me to a later race, and signed up for two smaller races between now and then. One I’m doing with friends, and the other I haven’t told anyone about yet. I def probably will, though.

fuck everyone who says I can’t. It may take longer, I may get more hurt on the way. but giving up MY dreams…. just isn’t in the cards.

this is the start of something good, don’t you agree

I just got back home, after two delayed flights, an adventure in moving my flight to a later one, a very large dallas airport & a cabdriver that spoke incessantly about marrying for his green card, and his lack of faith in the american dream. ohmygosh i’m exhausted.

but, i’m posting anyways. thanks, jetlag!

As we were driving home from dinner last night, I realized I was living the life I dream about. We were driving back from dinner & dessert (yep!) out with his coworkers & their fiances/girlfriends, and I was so in the moment it was amazing. We had a great night, everything was so easy – conversation, food etc. and i fit right into the structure of the group. It was so fun to be out & with couples, and it felt so… natural. we drove home holding hands, right into the mountains with the stars SO bright, singing along to jason mraz. We were joking and singing, and I’ve never wanted time to stop so badly in my life. Everything just fit. I don’t even have words.

For the first time, ever I found free. I found a week where my eating disorder was able to stay home. I saw a “normal” life of a 24 year old. I was heard and seen, cared for, & loved. I was//am able to love someone with my whole entire heart without worrying about the space I usually reserve for my eating disorder. There was NO stress, no fighting, no chaos.

I ate a million things that reside on my list of “banned” and didn’t die, purge, restrict, or anything as a result. I didn’t work out for 5 full days, and didn’t explode.I let my boyfriend cook FOR ME, and actually enjoyed it, (as well as not needing to clean up!)

I felt… amazing. good, confident, full of energy. I laughed so so so much, and was so sad to see vacation end this morning. We promised we wouldn’t go past october/november without seeing each other again. long distance blows like whoa, but I think in all honesty its good for me as I navigate the tough stuff in this recovery game.

back to the real world tomorrow =( Its time to get into action with this running thing, do some laundry, and a serious grocery shopping! Hopefully I’ll do it all & then get to see all my friends who are back in town now =)

boy i hear you in my dreams, hear you whisper across the sea

Arizona is hot. very very very hot! I have yet to figure out how all of these people walk around without sweating like crazy constantly.

Any and all anxiety I had leading up to this trip dissappeared the second I stepped off the plane and into my boyfriends arms. =)

Yesterday was amazing, absolutely amazing. It feels like we’ve always lived together, the way that all of this is so natural for both of us. I love that feeling. I’ve always hated the dance of new relationships, the navigating around each other, the developing of a routine for the first time. Last night I was banned from the kitchen, while he went to work. We had talked about making dinner, and I had figured that we’d cook together, but he had other ideas. He made a perfect meal, and treated me like such a princess. It was adorable, and when I tried to do dishes, those were taken away from me too. perfect gentleman!

I love that we’re going on a cruise next summer, in july. I love that he believes in us, in this, in love, and knows that he can rsvp to this destination wedding, without worrying about if we’ll be together or not. Maybe i’m just hyper aware of the little things, but hell, i’m not gonna question it. We’re looking at tickets for me to fly out there for thanksgiving. Talking about December break, too. I may not have much money right now, but i’ll find a way.

he’s at a grad school orientation right now, and i’m in the same building in starbucks. we’ve been apart for maybe two hours. i just got a text that says “i love you.” that about sums it up. i never want this feeling to end.

hold onto hope

The last six weeks have been AMAZING, and they’re about to keep getting better. Birthday, Sarahsarah’s visit, tattoo. Home, back here, Giggles’ visit & MONDAY is ARIZONA! The big vacation I’ve been waiting for! I get to spend 5 whole days with the person I love more than anything else, and its gonna be awesome. I’ve never been to Arizona, and its been far too long since I’ve seen my man. I.Can’t.Wait.

None of this fun-super-busy stuff would have been possible a year ago. Yes, I’ve had my moments of troubles, yes, the monster has tried to show his head through this whole time. Questionable week or two in there, but regardless, I know thoughts are different than action and thats what counts. Plus, I have my besties to keep me sane when i’m buggin like whoa. thank goodness. my new york girls will forever have my heart. (jazz & jamie. i woulda died without you. Thank you, thank you, thank you).

I’m taking a break from therapy (but not nutrition. that would just be dumb) for the next month. I want to see if I can continue to reclaim my life, and see if I can act independently for the first time in more than a year. I want to really concentrate on LIVING while i’m in arizona, trusting myself, and then coming back to try and train for the marathon. School’s gonna start, the year’s gonna get hectic, and I want to be able to take in every moment. its gonna be new experiences, more responsibilities. Sometimes I think that this constant focus on therapy, etc keeps me emeshed in my eating disorder, and its time to learn to live without it. I don’t want to be married to it anymore. The last six weeks taught me a LOT, and reminded me that I AM capable.

LETS GO YANKEES!!!!

…. and the yankees SWEEP the sox in the four game series!

Thats how we do it in New York.

There’s something insanely gratifying about watching these games in Boston, in red sox “nation” and knowing that my team is SO much better. Its total bragging rights, and I def wore a Yankees shirt to work yesterday. I got some comments, but Im still alive =). Besides, if the stupid sox fans can take up so much air and space with their shirts, hats, & yankee hatred… i can parade too. I’m also not usually competetive, so a lil of my fanaticism surprised me, in all honesty. However, the yankees are SUCH a big part of everything home, so I’m not completely shocked by the fact that up here, my pride shows more.

I spent tonights game texting with my dad, and then when the game got good and dicey for a few minutes, we were on the phone together- shouting at our respective televisions and getting as much of a joint experience as humanly possible from a few hundred miles away. No matter what we may fight about, we’ll always bond over the yankees, and I grew up watching all the games with him. He’s taken me to so many, taught me all I know about the game, and instilled a strong love of the Bronx Bombers in me. It was cute. We cheered together as the yanks won tonight.

One of THE WORST parts of Boston living is honestly their baseball team. I hate to say that, but hell. It makes me homesick to be around sux, sox fans, and feel defenseless in being from New York. I live, love, breathe New York pride, and I don’t like when people call me out on it based on the way I talk, etc. I’ve seen a few dicey situations as a result in the past year thanks to a few drunk friends at bars. So, FUCK YOU to the red sox fans tonight, because my team’s just so much better =)

“why you always running in place”

i’ve been hurt for a lil more than a week, and im going stircrazy. i know i was told not to run for another week, but I have to say, I may not last that long. I miss my adrenaline and endorphins. im spinning because the doctor approved that for my list of activities, but gah, as much as i’m in love with it, its not enough. I know the response is usually something along the lines of but you cant run, or you’ll be hurt for longer. But, when you’ve lived with a chronic muscle disorder forever- that answer would have kept me from a lot. I know this is different, but i gotta say, i also CAN take care of MYSELF. I know when to stop better than people think I do. I know my own personal limits. And to be honest, I’m the only one that will be hurting if I fuck up more. I just wanna run the half marathon. I don’t wanna be more behind.i miss the way it feels to run. it makes me feel better, more okay, more at peace. i wish i could better articulate that one.

my goal for tomorrow//friday is to run a solid mile. thats all.

i feel like I could either write a novel, or stay mute right now. its been that kind of week.

I was at work today for a meeting, and as I was coming out of the staff office one of the patients was coming out of the classroom. Followed by a clinician I knew worked at the hospital but had secretly hoped I would never see. She was on our floor today talking to one of our patients. Of course, on both of these occasions I was without my name badge, and because we can wear jeans to work, my only hope that she realized i’m a staff was if she realized I’m much older than the patients. Really awkward encounter.Really glad I didn’t have to work after that one because it totally combined two worlds that I keep separate.

my best friend’s coming up monday. i can’t fucking wait. esquared back in action. and we get solid days of best friend time. its gonna be amazing.